I went to the memorial services yesterday for Leah Marie Tangen, born April 1, 1917 died November 1, 2010. She lived a full and active 93+ years. She is my step grandmother. She was a sweet lady, loved by many. So what did I find the day so hard?
I came home finding myself tired and sad. But this wasn’t a sad about the funeral, this was a deeper sad. Was it the long drive? The stress of having to be nice to so many that I really didn’t know or care about? Was it sadness for the fact that the knowledge of the restored gospel and eternal families is not only absent but openly rejected on that side of the family? I couldn’t put my finger on it, so I slept. I was hoping that resting my body would also help my mind rest and in the morning all would be well.
I slept very restless. I had many strange dreams and I woke up still sad. Through my morning scripture study and pondering the dreams and the events and feelings from the previous day, I understood. I had been reminded of a truth. A truth that hurt, that made me sad. A truth I knew but tried not to think about. A truth that the previous day had brought back to the surface, like pealing off a scab that had healed over and now was bleeding again.
My Father and Nadine were so emotional and upset about the passing of Nadine’s mother. This was according to them the “hardest lost they have ever suffered”. Grandma Marie, who had had the privilege of leading a long full life that has seen her children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren grow, who had been active until the last few weeks and had lived a full and rich life….this (her death) was the most devastating loss they have suffered. Then I realized what bothered me. When my brother (my Father’s only biological Son) died un-expectantly at age 37 in a plane accident after finding the love of his life and getting married then leaving behind his young widow who was six months pregnant with their grandson they showed less emotion, less loss and less grief then they did yesterday.
I know everyone grieves in their own way. That’s way I hadn’t given it much thought at the time when it appeared that they weren’t too upset at my brothers death. Appropriately sad, but that was about the extent of it. In fact they still went to the Randy Travis concert because they already had their tickets and would be back before the body was returned for his services. Some people just hold things close to their vest. They didn’t show how sad they were. They deal with death well. That’s what I told myself. That was until yesterday when I saw how they were when they were truly grieving, and it hit me. My Father was closer to and would miss more his 93 year old mother in law then he knew and would miss his own Son. His grief was different because his loss was different. He truly knew and would miss Marie, he didn’t really know his Son and a casual relationship equals a casual loss.
They say the truth will set you free, but sometimes the truth just hurts. I have known the reality of my Father’s relationships with his children for all of my adult life, but it still hurts when the scab gets pulled off and the heart still bleeds a little. Eventually the scars will form and there will no longer be a scab to get pulled off. And one day, I will do my best to act appropriately at my father’s memorial services knowing that sadly, it is only a casual loss.
Doreen
11_8_2010
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